Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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