my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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