Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
