if i can run in heels then i can drive
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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