i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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