Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
