The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
