We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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