Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
