today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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