id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Enjoy the penises
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
