so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
