i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
