You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
