you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
