This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
