I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
