he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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