How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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