90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Bring me that man meat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
