am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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