tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Drunk is a universal language darling
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