I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
