Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
