I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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