im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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