How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
