So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
