It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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