Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
