who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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