Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
