dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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