Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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