i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
