Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
