I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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