Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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