Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
