maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
