nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
