I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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