just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
