so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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