It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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