I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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