if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
FUCK WHALES
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
