if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
