I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
