Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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