some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize