I just saw a hot homeless man
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize