My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
