every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
