I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
