The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
