just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
