I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
