i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
