i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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