I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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