She went from zero to smokin in five shots
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
