An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
