Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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