I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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