the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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